Mini is really annoying me right now.. I know its a computer but I need it to function properly before I don't have a computer...

Sometimes its hard thinking of the right thing to do... Temper is something that I am trying to control but it seems like I can not control my temper.. I

try to be happy and try to remain calm but sometimes its really hard...

Adequate ....

So went to see my CAPS guy and her told me that i was adequately built to deal with my sister's passing. I dont even know how to deal with that statement because.. how is a person built to deal with that type of tragedy.. i mean some people can get deal with it and others can ignore that it happened ... i dont think that i have been dealing with it ... im trying to do better.. sometimes its hard for me what focus on it and other times i dont know how to be myself... i am looking for a place in my head where i am myself and its hard to do so... it is what it is... i am trying to get there...

Its funny How... 2/21/11

Its funny how music makes your mind wonder!

okay so i have a couple of true stories from the morning. I woke up and realized that I checked and sent emails in my sleep this morning. I dont know if it was because i was awake or not lol.. The next true story was I woke up and realized that i had a test at 8am lol.. and the last true story is kinda funny... i wanted to take a shower in the dark this morning because i thought it would have been a good experiment lmaoo... so i did so, and then i went to brush my teeth and realized that the light had blew out so.. i had no choice to take a shower in the dark lmao ... too funny!!!

SO i went to my 8am and took the test it wasnt that bad lol so i did what i did and moved on.. went to breakfast with MG and then DM joined us.. and the whole time i was thinking about him.. I dont know why he is always on my mind... I really just want to be there for him like he was there for me you know.. is that bad... i dont think so .. but apparently it is bc he doesnt allow me to I dont know what is the prob with me being there for him... I dont know what to do bc i dont want to give up on him but i dont want ot push him away.. it is me............??? oh well you know i guess we will have to see where things goo..

OMG someone just walked passed me that i dont like and i remembered this weekend having to speak with them and be in the same room with them... ugh... i am not a fake person but i am not a totally rude person you know lol.. well at least i try not to be lmao... some people may see me as a rude person but i really dont care what other people think of me.. i dont have the mental capasitity to sit in a room and worry about what people think of me..

oh he is cute and he just looked at me and walked away lmao..

i am so random.. sometime i think i have ADHD or ADD sometimes because i get easily distracted and my mind constantly races lo.l..

there is this girl that is like less then 5 feet from me ans she looks like she can be someone twin.. but i dont want to bring it up to that person because i remember how it use to feel when ppl use to say that i looked like this guy that i did not like... like we were mortal enemies llmao.. oh high school drama. ..

I was talking to WM over the weekend and we were talking about how much people mature from their first semester of college to their second semester junior year.. you know.. I am like a totally different person.. ther eis so much that happened to me in this 6 semester time... that if someone would have told me once i came to college i would have looked and laughed at them... that goes for the food and bad you know... I have to get things better on track then they are now..... i know it may seem lik i have things figured out but i really dont lmao... i try to appear like i do ...

this past friday i was so under the influence i almost did not have any control.. lmao and i should not have my phone at all!!! and i kinda text some people and invited to sleep with some people and text him and told him i want to be with him... it was a shit show lmao.. but i had so much fun.. and i dont regret it bc it happened and its over so, so what!! lmao... what evs...

its rude to blog with ppl in front of me at lunch.. i must be engaged lol.. so ttyls for now lmao

ES

xoxo

:)

2/18/11 @ 11:16am

Good Morning..

Today is a very important day for my professional career. I have my MRA interview at 3pm... It is so nerve racking.. I am not sure if i am going to get the position.. I am just going to go for it.. this experience will not hurt me only help.. so i am looking forward to that. .

I just got out of my CAPS meeting. .. i think it went really well. i am thinking about my growth and how that is so important to me.. what thinkings i need to do in order to grow.. so i am looking forward to things ... i think i am def in a better place than earlier this week. . i am thinking i am getting better with dealing with this.. what i think is going on is the pain not going away i am learning how to adapt and deal with the pain.. using the pain of lost in order to go on with my goals and things .. yeah sometimes are harder than others and there are sometimes where there is no clarity and i need to focus better other times than other.. but i def think that music, friends, the morning coffee .... well lunch time!!!!

TTyls

Good morning 2/17/11 8:08am

Good morning,

I woke up this morning after a great night of duty.. (no calls) and got to learn a lot my duty partner PL.

A couple of things are flowing my mind this morning.. mostly i am thinking about tomorrow.. I have a CAPS meeting at 10am, Educational Main Street tour at 12:45, MRA interview at 3pm, and then Robot Prom tomorrow night at some time..

I am in Stress and Stress Management.. We are learning about energy and the transfers of energy.. This is so cool... i think i am about my transfer of energy. I need to find a way to regulate my intake of energy.. I really think I am like a sponge.. i have to regulate my energy lol...

well i would like to put on the record that we just spent a good amount of time talking about the lines at commons.. and it jumped to the food services on campuses putting laxative in our food lol...

okay now we are talking about the Gerber Model of energy and i think it is so cool.. i am learning a lot about the things that i do but are too scared to tell a lot of people.. because they are going to think i am weird or some other kind of label. . Why do i care about what people and the way they think of me i should just come out and ask for some type of explanation as to why i am like a sponge and some other experiences that i have done.. taking on others pain to my own ie. my sister the last weekend i saw her... she had a headache and i took her headache away and transfered it to myself. that was the last connection that i had with my sister.. i have not felt the same way since... I have felt like there is a missing whole in my stomach and hear...

Page 8 number 4 thats the homework..

lol.. i am thinking a lot about me energy and the processes that i go through on a normal day to day bases... my Third Eye works a lot!! lol...

I am still figuring things out my abilities and what that means for my place in the world. In thinking about my Third Eye it has been taking a longer time for me to access the my Third Eye.. lol.

I am back and I now in Sociology of the Family ...

are we really talking about this girl that is talking about how she has never used a scrantron since high school.. no one cares just up so we can start class... we are about to start this film about aging.. its 9min and 45 secs long..

so as a gender studies major i am always examining behaviors and body languages... and as it relates to how males and females interact with their environment.. i think it is a culture thing bc he is like native Puerto Rico and he has a lot of feminine qualities.. in the way he explains things...

he is this little tiny man.. about 49 years old with a family and i just think it says a lot about comfortability.. and security.. i andmire that.. sometimes i am not secure about myself.. i try my hardest to be secure with myself and if i can not get comfortable with myself then i just say what ever and move on with my day ... sometimes by just moving on it gets me but then i say oh well.. I find myself not wanting to worry more about things more than i have to.. in the moment is not a good way to live but its the only way that i am standing and moving around .. so i guess it is working.. we were talking about defense mechanism in the last class.. and i didnt know what mine was but now i know.. i am in a state of emergency but not a natural disaster.

I think this is the most healthiest thing i have ever done.. this is a time and a place for me to talk about the thoughts that are in my head for myself with no expectations of feedback later on...

this girl is still talking and now its about substance so maybe its not that bad but her voice is so annoying...

i love his stories about his family, its really cute lol... he is a great teacher he is a lot of fun.. and sometimes its good to look at him lol...

a true reflection is a reflection that reveals the undeniable truth about oneself...

we are talking about the elderly and i thinking about Grandmother.. (my great-grandmother) and her last days... we were all there her last night and it was so sad ... but a great decision... i love Grandmother... she was the best women ever!!!!!

Okay now i am in Infant and Child Development..

And it is starting out to be a great class... first this girl is sitting in my seat.. that i have been in since the first day of class.. and then my IT is not coming to class today... WTF.. this is going to be a fun lesson.. and i prob wont be able to blog in this class because all she does is lecture and all i do it type.. so we will see how this plays out in here lol....

So i wonder if things are ever going to be different... the problem is my patterns have been altered... and now it is time to fine another pattern that will work for me..

this is like living in a new life... i feel like a fully developed baby that is trying to figure out their motor skills..

i am hungry... i really need to eat something.. my brain in not working right now.. she just asked a question and i was like huh.... so i need to pay better attention to class..

tuesdays and thursdays i can not think about my sister.. first i start off in stress and stress management and there i think about how the stress of my sister's death effects me and how to deal with it. and then i go to sociology of the family and i think about how my family has been effected by my sister's death and then its about how we are all feeling the same thing over and over... and then i go to infant and child development and i think about we were when we were children ... we were developing together at different rates but neither the less we were going through it at the same time... and now i feel like i am stuck in my development personally... so tuesdays and thursdays are really hard.. and in between these two bad days are my worst academic day... wednesday ! I hate wednesdays! and wednesday was the day that my sister passed away... so i feel like i need a change but i cant change my classes its way too late to do so.. these area ll my core classes ... so there is nothing to do..

okay on to another topic right.. so i am so hungry.. lol...

Giving our thoughts and energy to another spends our source of energy.. draining our core..

we are thinking about classical conditioning and i was thinking about last year when i got a stomach virus and then ate Penera Bread.. I can never go back there .. it was one of the worse experiences i have ever had, when it comes to being sick.. I was at health services and i was hooked up to IVs because i was so dehydrated. it was awful lol..

it is now 11:32am

I have some other things to do today .. i have Gboard in like a half an hour which is going to be log today i think... then i have to eat something then i have some RA things to do later on tonight.. I hope my parents visited my bank account bc i need some funds lol.. got to go out and go to the store lol... i also want to go out to the bar tonight and i have about 20 dollars lol..

it has only been 10 minutes and it feels like it has been 30 hours.. i have been trying to stay focused lol.. but i am so hungry lol...

now we are talking about negative punishment and i am thinking about all the times the Krissy got in trouble.. the funniest one was when she ran from my mother in her own jeep.. she had a boy in the car and my mother and step-father was in the truck and Krissy was on the move when she saw them..it was so funny to hear Mom tell that story lol... I remember the time when i got in trouble with the marks in school. and i got everything taken away from me and Krissy would let me talk on the phone when Dad wasnt home.. she was awesome.. okay now i am going to switch topics because i am starting to tear up and i dont want to in class.

I can not believe that we went down to the wire when.. we didnt even go over that much information but this chick sure can talk lol... too funny.

okay we are about to leave class, she is going over the upcoming paper.. so i am going to submit this blog now.. and make another one later on...

ttyls

xoxo

ES

Started at 5:51pm on 2/16

I am sitting in class and we are discussing the meaning of Culture and what it means in our society. We started off class talking about the underlining meaning about masturbation from a clip of Senfield and discovering what it means to our society.

I think masturbation is something that everyone does and but sometimes it should be kept private depending on the company... your're not going to be at in the middle of a business meeting talking about the last time you masturbated...

Sometimes some people are going to be put off by the things that i say... if you dont like what i say then you dont have to read my blog. this is just a place that i am able to get my thoughts out and this is only for me to judge but feel free to make your own judgement..

Now we are talking about Social Construction... think it is the way that an institution constructs ideas and embeds them in ppl heads... ideas about marriage, sex, masturbation, friendships, any type of idea...

I like to think of myself as a product of myself... but that would go against the degree that i am currently working towards lol...

How do feel about Inequality...

I feel that there needs to be change and the only way change can occur is by changing the people that are in charge. .. I am not proposing they need to give up power but there needs to a be way that they can be happy with the things that they have and not wanting more...

When i here people using sex and gender interchangeably makes me hurt on the inside..

Sex is the biological make up of a person that is determined by the sexual organs that they are born with

Gender is the socially constructed idea/expectations of a person according in two categories; masculine and feminine.

I never thought about the "Week" being socially constructed.. it is we give so much power to Monday it is not even funny... wow never thought about it... lol ... the meaning that we give to "Monday., Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Friday. Saturday, and Sunday" the meaning that we give to each day as a culture or a group of people..... its funny to think about that ... lol...

I have had one meal today.. that was lunch.. i had the normal Pita and I am not sure of what dinner I am going to have.... but I can ensure you I am hungry lol...

This is better than Twitter and Facebook, because i feel like I am not limited to the things that i want to say and it can be continuous lol...

I need to go play Bejeweled lol... I am going to play that for a while trying not to get caught.. I think i am going to because people are falling asleep in class and i think i shouldnt do this because i am sitting in the front and she is looking and standing in front of me ... okay after thinking about this i am not going to go play Bejeweled lol....

Why are all the things that are not the normal are always put on blast for people to see and figure out... just because i have some weight on me doesnt mean that i need to have be under a microscope... there is nothing wrong with me.. so what i hit a rough patch in my life... doesnt meant that it is a social issue because the other people in my class are the same weight as i am .. get over it .. there are other people in the world that need your attention.. you need to move on about your life and stop diving into mind. .

So i was walking to my meeting a little while ago and my mind was doing its usual thinking about the past.. and i was thinking about the night that i shared with a special person. Things really change after this and it made me very upset... because i thought it was my fault.. it was one night that meant a lot to me.. i dont know if it didnt happen would things be the same as there are now... probably not.. we would talk more and see more of each other... i dont know ... but i wish things were different.. i dont know how to deal with it.. but i am mad because i cant help to think it was my fault even tho i know it was a mutual action... it just puts me in a funk sometimes... because its not going anywhere either way.. i so wanted to be their Valentine, but i couldnt because i didnt want to make things even more awk..... i dont know .. i just need to get more concrete answers lol.. but i am afraid to talk about it because i am afraid of the response either way... but i would like to be with them .. but i think the most important thing is i want them in my life either way... you know...

but i am ready to be loved... i am ready for a person to love me... to chance me.. to want to be with me you know.... this week has been hard... its the first Valentine Day without my sister Krissy.... and i am still learning how to do things..... now that i am thinking about this i am getting a little bit emotional ... i am in class and i need to get it together.. right.. why do i need to get it together.. what cant i be broken.... why do i need to get things in order.. what if i dont want things to be in order..... now i am getting mad.... lol

idk on to another topic lol

so i am in class right and this professor is like messing with me lol ... this is women in society and this class is great and has a great message but she is messing with my mind because of the way she teaches and how weird she is... she is seeming to be smart well intelligent.. lol..

we are not talking about intersex... i think parents and doctors that perform these emergency surgeries are wrong, and just as wrong as the parents that automatically place the force of the world.. it really annoys me.. to the point where they all need to recheck their minds..

The heteronormative nature of our society is really insane... when parents are thinking about who their child is going to have sex with when they are about 20 years down the line...

she ending class running to the board and almost falling .. lmao!!!!!

i am on duty tonight and it is going to be so fun!! lmao.. i am so hungry lol....

end at 7:07pm

Fucking Perfect

"Fucking Perfect" by Pink is like an anthem at this point.. its like the best thing ever.. I really like this song.... When I say I love this song i really do.. it makes me really emotional.

I am sitting in the cafe and I am sitting alone. I have yet to get my lunch.. I think sitting here typing vs eating by myself is some what justifiable.. i dont think i can see here and eat by myself lol..

I think i am ready to be loved... you know i mean i know that there are people that love me and i know that i am genuinely loved... but I am really ready to be love on a more intimate level.. you know...

"Secret" by The Pierces is on now.. its the theme song from Pretty Little Liars.. I really like this song

RL just arrived so i am not sitting here alone anymore !!! Bye for now!!

Why is it..

Why is it that quiet places are hard to find... Trying to find a quiet place is hard to come by.. no matter how hard you search.. interruptions are always to be had. ..

For the sake of purposes of confidentiality I will be using code names... to discribe people. i know that people are heavily against using code names... but i think its the only way that i can freely express the way i feel about certain people...

well the love life has been coming up empty for a while.. idk what is going on with a person.. i would like something to be there but i dont think that is an option.. .and it makes me sad. .. I am done with SJ because they have thrown be through a loop for a little over a year and i am tired of playing that game.

I think i deserve to be someone's first choice and not the second or the last.. is that too hard... I think i am a decent person.. I think i am just tired of either competing or being an after thought to some people...

I am now listening to the "The Dog Days are over" by Florence and the Machines...

SJ can officially call themselves done and free of me... its been too long dealing with the same things over and over... .

I am now listening to "Sober" by Pink

I really love Pink.. I like the things she stands for and the messages that she portrays through her music...

I am waiting for RL, BM, BJ, and LI to come to the cafe... I am sitting in the back waiting for them...

OMG I see LA Standing in line and IDK..

OMG these group of freshmen just came and sat at the table that is in front of me... lol

Okay i think I have officially turned this into something that i am going to do from now on lol...

Feb 2/16/11

February 16

Things have been so hard lately.. I am thinking about my sister more and more each day.

Lately I have not been trying to deal with any type of bull scrap from other people. I am sticking to my word more and more. I am trying to deal with the common stupidity that is always around me.

I find that music has been a motivator lately

Taylor Swift just came about a with new song that is about the Month of December..

My month of December was for lack of a better word... SHIITTY...

It was the month that I lost my oldest sister December 1, 2010.. It was the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with. I am still dealing with this...

I have never encounter this much hurt and pain ever in my life. I am trying to get back on track k but that track is not there anymore, because my sister is no longer on that track.

Sometimes i dont feel like being around people and sometimes I dont feel like talking.. but I do so in oder for people not thinking that there is something wrong. This is the most private I have ever been. This was something traumatic ... there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it.. so i hide it from them

I constantly think about Ashlee Simpson's song "Who is going to catch me when I fall"- I have already fell and I dont think anyone can catch me and I dont think anyone can.. this is going to come with time.

I have never blogged before and I dont know if i did this correctly but this is how I feel as of now.....